Since his wife is writing a romance series, my husband gamely rented 50 Shades of Grey the other night, so he could “see what this is all about.” I didn’t have the heart to explain the different romance genres, and that 50 Shades is closer to erotica, and not that similar to what I’m currently writing. Because really, I appreciate the effort.
Five minutes in, he paused the film to comment on the heroine’s meekness, and then every 10 minutes thereafter stopped to discuss something else. When he was (finally) done, he looked at me and asked a great, candid question: “As a man, how do I watch things like this and not lose respect for women?”
I spared him the lecture about how women don’t need approval for what we like and don’t like. How I’m tired of things women are interested in being labeled low quality or fluff–as though we don’t have a spectrum of interests like everyone else. Honestly, he’s heard that spiel before.
So instead I said this: “Would men want to be judged as a gender by their fantasies? Porn included.” At which point he conceded the point.
The thing is, it’s virtually impossible for humans not to indulge in escapism. Even those that read non-fiction exclusively have, at some point, left the confines of their own existence by becoming immersed in a film or a painting or a story someone told them. And I reassured my husband that that is what entertainment like 50 Shades is all about. Do most people actually want to ride around in a helicopter with a possessive maniac who beats their ass for fun? Probably not. But for romance readers, it’s fun and/or titillating to step outside our daily lives of dishes and families and work routines to indulge in a fantasy world–where we can be weak instead of strong, or strong instead of weak. Where we can cure what ails the men in our lives through our love, and they’ll love us until their dying breath. You name a psychological need, there’s a romance book that fills it.
As for me, I don’t go in for all of the tropes of romance–bad boys, billionaires, and control freaks, among them. But Jamie protecting Claire, while wearing a kilt? Absolutely. And that’s the thing. We can–and will–debate people’s fantasies, but we mustn’t judge them. Because for every female Twi-hard, there is a man somewhere dressed up as a Stormtrooper for a convention or pitching a baseball at fantasy camp.
I know I got through to my husband because, by the end of our discussion, he admitted that, whether you’re sitting through 2.5 hours of the Avengers, reading the Lord of the Rings, or taking a vicarious flogging from Christian Grey, it’s always going to be painful when it’s not your fantasy.
Victoria, I loved your take on fantasy and romance. Great blog!
I never thought about the “why” to romance. . . About how for every need, there is a romance novel. Perhaps your husband was struggling with how to reconcile the escapism to the idea that perhaps some people want the fantasy to be the standard for how to live a real life. Would you really be okay with a tall man in a kilt taking you to dinner? Okay, not a good example. hehe.
Yes, I think some people worry that women get lost in the fantasy, and have an unhealthy perspective on real life. But that’s a risk with any fantasy! I guess it’s all about balance.
While I have no problem with a person’s fantasy, I actually take issue to the quality of the film. It is a terrible movie – from the bad acting to the ridiculous dialogue. Since the book was in way Jane Austen, the expectation of this film was not high. Yet women deserved better than an embarrassed wooden not that sexy Christain and a stupid heroine. For a phenomenon that celebrated the female fantasy, this movie feels like it was made by and for men.
No arguments there! It’s amazing to me that a film made by women (director, writer, etc.) for women had such a “male gaze,” as they say. They should probably have consulted Catherine Hardwicke.